BULLYING

by Rita Y. Toews

Bullying behavior is a growing problem in schools and neighborhoods. Although it's difficult to pinpoint the percentage of children who are bullied, studies suggest that the number is around 32%. More boys report being bullied than girls, and the type of bullying varies with gender as well. Boys tend to bully physically, while girls generally ostracize or use cutting remarks and rumors.

Bullying is a serious problem that can scar a child for life. It can make them lonely, unhappy and frightened. The world can feel like a very unsafe place. Many bullied children see themselves as failures and are driven to the point of suicide.

But it isn't only the bullied child who loses in a bully situation. Children who bully often grow into adults who bully. They join gangs, seek positions of power where they can use their influence as a weapon to bully their employees, or are overly harsh with their children or spouse. Dr. Bob Rich, M.Sc., Ph.D., the author of Anger and Anxiety states: "Many habitual residents of jails cut their teeth in the school ground, and if they'd been stopped then, they might have grown into law-abiding members of society. So, we all suffer from bullying."

What is bullying?

Occasional, minor conflicts between children on equal footing is part of setting the social "pecking order". Bullying on the other hand, results when there is an imbalance of power in the event.

Bullying has been described as: "A student (or pupil) is being bullied or victimized when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other students." (Bullying at School. Olweus, Dan Blackwell, 1993)

Bullying is not something children have to learn to live with. It is not something they have to get over and it is not part of growing up. No one deserves to be bullied.

Is your child a bully?

Clues might include jeering comments about classmates; harsh treatment of pets and other animals; demeaning treatment of siblings, or new items he or she can't account for. If you suspect your child is a bully choose a quiet moment to have a heart-to-heart talk. You may find your child has a problem you knew nothing about, or is the victim of a bully themselves. Bullying can be a cry for help.

Bullying behavior doesn't always start in the classroom. Be aware of how your child spends his or her free time. Violent video games or television shows that depict situations where people use force or cruelty can desensitize a child to compassionate behavior.

Also, children pick up subtle clues on acceptable behavior from people around them. Demeaning comments and actions by adults are quickly adopted by a child. Positive role modeling by all those coming into contact with your children will go a long way to raising a kind and respectful child.

Is your child being bullied in school?

Remember, your child looks to you as a role model. The way you handle the bully situation will be the way he or she learns to handle unpleasant situations in the future.

It helps to keep a diary of the bully incident. Record who witnessed the bullying, the time of the bullying, and where it took place. You might also record how the bully event made your child feel. When you approach the school about the problem, the data you provide will give the school the information they need to resolve the situation. Present your request for help in writing, and ask that the letter be put in your child's school file. Ask what steps will be taken to resolve the problem.

Individual schools should have a bully program in place. If they don't, you can approach the school board about the problem, and in extreme cases – the police.

Although it is tempting to become angry and lash out at the bully, or the child's family, the situation is more likely to be resolved positively if the incident is approached calmly. Cooperating with those involved to solve the problem will teach your child that working together in a non-confrontational manner can bring positive results.

Rita Y. Toews is the author of The Bully: A Discussion and Activity Story. Her website is www.thebullybook.com